Before we got married, Carlton and I spent a lot of time together. For starters, we met at work, he was my boss, I was the assistant… more on that later :-). Since we worked together, we saw each other at least five days out of the week. Once we began dating, we spent time together after work as well.
We were both recently out of a stupid relationship (if you can even call it that), and we both enjoyed the contentment of finally feeling compatible to someone. I can honestly say we put a lot of effort into getting to know one another. I remember sitting on the couch – TV off, Pandora Radio on, and talking for hours. Our talks lasted well after midnight. Sometimes the conversation would continue during our hour drive home. We would also go on dinner dates and play “21 questions” and grill each other the entire date. We talked about everything. Our past, our futures. Our hopes and dreams. Likes and dislikes. Nothing was off limits and we wanted to know everything! One time, we sat on a park bench and talked so long that we didn’t realized the park closed and we were locked in! We were madly in love and wanted to learn everything about one another that we could.
When we got married, I felt confident that I knew him very well. I was warned that you will never fully know your spouse and that every day you’ll discover something new. I’m still learning how true that statement is, but, so far I have discovered a few things that every wife should know about her husband. I’m not just talking about, “what’s your favorite color?” and, “where’s your dream vacation?” kind of questions. It’s time to go a little deeper ladies. It’s great to know a lot about your spouse, but make sure you’re not just collecting facts. Proverbs 4:7 says, “Getting wisdom is the wisest thing you can do!” Make it a point to attain wisdom that will benefit your role as a wife and, overall, your marriage! A healthy marriage requires a deep connection that really allows you to see who your spouse is at their core. It requires vulnerability. A necessary component to a successful marriage.
I don’t advise you approach these questions like a drill sergeant, marking his answers off your list. You won’t get anywhere that way. Actually, your husband might feel threatened and close up even tighter. Look at his answers as a peep-hole into his heart and further discover the man he really is. We live in a society where men are taught to keep a stiff upper lip and “never let em’ see you sweat!” but deep inside that man you married is someone who has hopes, dreams, and – fears. Real life-altering fears that, likely, have become stumbling blocks! He married you because (whether he told you or not) he trusts you with his emotions and depends on your strength in his weakness. We know that we can’t be all things to all people, but we can be a safe place for our husbands. Dig a little deeper and find out how you can be just want the doctor ordered.
Here are a few questions that might help you understand your husband better and give you some inspiration on how to support and pray for him. Work them in as you have your typical conversation and see what gems you uncover!
- What did he want to be and why didn’t it happen? Keyword: Why.
I’m sure by now you might know that your man always dreamed of being a police officer or a doctor. And, if he’s not working his dream job, it may be useful to find out what threw him off course. Don’t just assume the worst! Everyone isn’t lazy and lacking ambition, despite what it looks like. Sometimes medical bills, family responsibility, and other obligations get in the way. Listen to his answer. Don’t judge him. Find out what got in the way and how that affected him. Some of us are fine with the lives we’re living, but you may discover that there’s still a desire to take a different path.
- What is his timeline? Keyword: His.
Let’s be honest, girls. Most of us have our lives planned before we’re old enough to drive a car. Never considering the mate that is pledging his life to us. Men are wired a little different. I’ve learned that by adulthood, they know what they want, but, they’re generally more lenient and patient about the timing. Sometimes, when we get married, we think: GAME ON! But our husbands might not be thinking the same. Do you feel like you and your husband don’t share the same excitement for starting a family or buying a house? Asking this question could help you understand what’s going on in his head. Beware: accepting his response requires understanding, patience, and maturity. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but: It’s not all about you! Marriage is about compromise and maybe he wants to wait 5 years to start a family. Maybe he wants to use the savings to purchase a house right away. Find out what his timeline is and make it a point to discuss your desires and compromise – peacefully. Our men carry a lot of weight. They lead our families. They hold our desires in their hearts and they work hard to provide for their children (present and future). Your husbands drawn-out plan may give him security or make him feel stable. Be supportive of his desires and collaborate!
- What does he think his biggest flaw is? Keyword: He.
We love our husbands, but, let’s be honest: We could probably list his three biggest flaws in 2.5 seconds. Thankfully, that’s not what we’re doing today. This question allows him to open-up and share what he thinks his shortcomings are. You may be surprised! That one thing that you think he does well may be his biggest insecurity. Be compassionate. Hey, he might be dead-on! We’re all flawed, but this is your chance to pray that his flaw doesn’t become his downfall. Proverbs 14:1 says, “A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands.” Build up your husband, don’t harp on his insecurities. Love him through it and lift him up. Get creative and find ways to help him improve! Remember, sometimes our actions are stronger than our words. Read my blog on How to Silently Support Your Husband for more tips!
- What motivates him? Keyword: What.
We all are passionate about something. Maybe your husband isn’t as motivated on the job, or maybe he’s always got some crazy idea and trying something new. Either way, something makes him tick and it’s more than just his income and the weekend. Discover what his passions are so you can support him to reach his goals! Carlton wants to own a ranch on a nice chunk of land. That’s not a “tomorrow” goal, but something he wants to do further down the line. Still, most of the financial decisions he makes today is to make that dream possible. But, that’s not the only one! He’s full of dreams and ambitions and when he shares them with me, I help adjust our lifestyle to make them a reality! Be open minded and willing to help support his goals. Discovering his motivation might inspire you to work harder toward your own goals!
- Does he believe he can achieve his dreams? Keyword: Believe.
We all know those people who are uber confident and just go for it! The rest of us need a little kick in the pants every once in a while. Sometimes it takes someone else to convince us of our capabilities. We can talk ourselves out of some awesome opportunities based on our own insecurities. Perhaps the only thing that’s keeping him from applying to law school is just a little motivation, and guess who’s the perfect person to do it? You! That’s why you’re his wife! Let’s be honest, life is hard and it’s easy to feel like a hamster on a wheel – going nowhere! Your honey might just need to hear you tell him that he can do it and that you believe in him. Believe it or not, many people were not raised around that kind of encouragement and hearing your warm words could turn things around for him. Use your words to help boost his self-confidence!
Share my blog Pushing Past the Obstacles to Live the Life You Want with your husband! Encourage him. Pray for him. Show him unconditional love, most importantly, know who you’re married to more than just his favorite ice cream flavor (although that’s important, too!). As wives, we hold a lot of power, use it to help create a beautiful life and a beautiful marriage.